Today I start my senior year of college. How bizarre, crazy, and unfathomable is that?! Since starting school seventeen years ago, I have learned a few things about education, and I would like to impart some wisdom to any new college freshman.
Most people enter college with the goal of graduation. But who wants to be like everyone else? Make your own goals! Blaze your own path! Aim to drop out! Here are my ten recommendations for successfully failing a class.
- Ignore the syllabus. In the syllabus, the professor will list any test, quizzes, papers, and other assignments. Do not print out the syllabus. Do not read it. Do not even access the file on your computer. Even glancing at a page of the syllabus may lead to passing the class.
- Procrastinate. If you happen to know that an assignment will be due, try to avoid completing the assignment at all costs. Only students who desire to pass a class actually complete any of the coursework.
- Oversleep. Professors are pleased when students arrive to class on time and fully prepared. In order to make failing easier, do not set an alarm or prepare anything for class the night before.
- Goof off. Once you do get to class, let your mind wander away from the professor’s lecture. Instead, scroll through Instagram or watch YouTube videos. Whatever you do, refrain from listening to what the teacher is saying.
- Refuse help. It is possible that a classmate will offer to give you notes, help you organize your calendar, or tutor you. Do not accept any of these offers as they may lead to success.
- “Wing” the tests. Studying is a sure-fire way to pass an exam. This could be detrimental to your goal of failure.
- Neglect the textbook. Do not read it, open it, or sleep with it under your pillow. In fact, it will probably be best if you do not buy it. Ideally, you won’t even know what the text book is called.
- Forget about homework. If this is not possible, feed homework to your dog.
- Skip breakfast. Eating may provide energy which would increase your likelihood of paying attention and being productive.
- Be aimless. Set no goals other than the goal of failure.
Disclaimer: Following these ten steps may lead to becoming becoming a college dropout. In such cases, one might have a sense of inadequacy, failure, and depression. Consult your parents and mentors before engaging in any failure-driven activities.